Anxiety and the Black God

This article originally appeared on Pagan Square a few years ago.  Gaia's Circle is celebrating its 7th Lammas/Lughnasadh ritual on Saturday, and I've been thinking a lot about Bright Lugh and Black Crom as I prepare for another Celtic-themed ritual, this one devoted to Danu, the Celtic Mother Goddess.  Reading back over some of my work over at Pagan Square, I realize that I wrote a lot about anxiety (despite "mysticism" being my blog topic.)  As anxious people do, here are some more thoughts on anxiety, and how this time of year always makes me re-think my relationship with my crazy, crazy brain.

Anxiety and the Black God (2014)

A friend of mine hosted the Lughnasadh celebration for our multi-tradition ritual group, and she asked me if I’d help her out and take some speaking parts.  I accepted, and I made sure to go over my lines before we gathered.  We even practiced together before the ritual began, which should have meant that I was prepared for my cues and that the script should have flowed smoothly and beautifully.

Only it didn’t because naturally I missed my cue and had to stumble to find my place and get the ritual back on track while everyone waited patiently for me to get my act together.  I was a little embarrassed of course, but no one really minded (or if they did they were gracious and didn’t make me feel bad.)  But I’ve been thinking about this moment a lot since the ritual, held at the end of July.  Maybe I missed my cue because I just wasn’t paying attention and I’m easily distractible, but I’d like to think that I missed my cue because the ritual was actually working, that the message our talented hostess was trying to share with the group was coming across to me loud and clear. 

I already wrote about this ritual over at my personal blog, but like a good ritual should, it’s stuck with me over the past few weeks.  As the abundant bounty of summer has shifted from July and we are now well into August and the promise of a fruitful harvest, I’ve had a lot to think about and reflect upon.  I think this was an especially important ritual for me to attend (even though my participation might have been less than stellar.)

The ritual focused on spirals and changes and wheels and cycles.  I’m not the most familiar with Irish mythology, but from what I understand, the holiday of Lughnasadh is named after the funeral games that Lugh created in honor to celebrate the life of Tailtiu, his foster mother.  Tailtiu died after plowing all of Ireland, preparing the land for agriculture and to be used by humans.

The ritual included a description of the powers of Crom Dubh and the powers of Lugh.  These are the forces which hold us back and that move us forward.  They are the energies that are always circling, always spiraling, anxiety and momentum, momentum and anxiety, a push and pull of protection and fearless daring.  Even though we had gone over the ritual beforehand and I had an idea what the hostess would be talking about, I found myself hanging onto her every word as she described the ancient dance of Bright Lugh and Black Crom. 

She described Crom Dubh as those fears that keep us safe – don’t touch fire, don’t say that thing, don’t spend all of your money, don’t eat that food, don’t take unnecessary risks, etc.  She explained that while he protects us and keeps us safe, sometimes his protective arm might stretch a little too far.  As a result of Crom Dubh’s shielding reach, we don’t touch anything, we don’t say anything, we don’t trust anyone.  We may be safe, sure, but our refuge may be at the expense of forward motion.  Crom Dubh protects us, but maybe he’s that thing that holds us back, too.

So during this ritual (with my cue rapidly approaching and me oblivious) I started thinking and thinking and thinking.  What’s holding me back?  And why?  What am I anxious about?  Is this anxiety too much to the point that I am frozen, or is it just the right amount to keep me safe?  What am I waiting to harvest, and when the right moment comes, will I be able to act?

Throughout my own personal experiences as well as my studies with social work, I’ve come to understand anxiety pretty well.  It seems to plague my family, and my own fight with anxiety is a battle that I have to battle daily.  But I’ve come to understand that there are different types of anxiety, and different ways to handle these different types of anxiety.  A little anxiety can be a good thing.  It kept our ancestors from doing stupid things like eating poisonous mushrooms, talking to strangers, or touching venomous snakes.  Anxiety can be that healthy dose of mindfulness that can keep us aware, alert, and on our toes.  Anxiety can keep us safe, guarding us in that liminal space between the known and unknown.

I can’t help but wonder if the ancient Irish people understood how anxiety worked, too.  Perhaps they understood that anxiety can protect us, but surely they understood the dangers of too much protection, of overwhelming anxiety and the inability to move.  This may be the dance of Lugh and Crom Dubh, of safety and anxiety and daringness and recklessness.  As a social worker, I can’t help but wonder what the ancient Irish solution to anxiety was.  It certainly wasn’t cognitive behavioral therapy or Xanax, but maybe the ancient solution to anxiety was a powerful ritual shared with a trusted community, or even chanting and poetry recited like powerful prayers.  Or, like today, maybe the solution to anxiety was something as simple as words of encouragement and reassurance, understanding and patience. 

Since the end of July I’ve had plenty of time to think about all of those things that I’m holding onto that are keeping me from moving forward and from enjoying my harvest.  These are the blessings that Crom Dubh is keeping safe for me in his big black sack, slung across his crooked back.  I can’t say that I’ve come to any specific or profound conclusions.  I’m quite familiar with my own anxieties, and perhaps that means that I’ve been familiar with Crom Dubh my whole life.  But anxiety has a new name, and when you know the name of a thing, you have power over that thing.  So maybe anxiety doesn’t have to be so scary any more.  I can appreciate my anxieties and how they protect me, but the wheel turns and turns again, and I remember that it’s also important for me to shine brightly and move forward, to step from the darkness of Black Crom and to the shining light of Bright Lugh.

I just hope I don’t miss my cue!

Post Script: Many and endless thanks and blessings to my dear Druid, Heather Watson, for hosting such a lovely and meaningful ritual, and for allowing me to share her beautiful words.

This is the voice of Crom Dubh, the King Beneath the Mound.

This is the voice of your will to live,

Your strong and steadfast guardian.

Yesterday we may have suffocated under the weight of him

Tomorrow we may struggle in his grip

But tonight we thank him.

Give Crom Dubh your gift as he passes

Look into his eyes and give him your thanks.

You are the treasure he guards.

You are infinitely fragile and infinitely valuable,

And Crom Dubh does not surrender, does not abandon, does not yield.

Crom Dubh is always with you,

Guarding you from the vast darkness of chaos and change that seethes just below your feet,

Warding and protecting you from whatever it is that you fear most.

You can find more of Heather’s work at this link:

http://www.amazon.com/Fortunate-Son-The-Thread-Book-ebook/dp/B00GY5WZMG

Re-Post: "No One Can Stop Us Now: A Gaia's Circle Lughnasadh"

Re-post from Summer 2014

 My eclectic ritual group, Gaia’s Circle, celebrated its 5^th Lughnasadh today!  We first gathered on Mabon of 2009, and I’m really quite proud of the beauty we have created together over the years.  The group takes turns hosting and writing, and one of the members was really excited for the chance to write what she called “a proper Celtic ritual for Lugh.”  She writes the most beautiful liturgy, and the ritual was pretty stellar.

Gaia, Berkana, and Beith

We began with a little processional to the ritual space, some light smoke cleansing with cedar, and then the lighting of the hearth fire.  My friend’s tradition is Ár n Draíocht Féin (ADF) which means “our own Druidry.”  The ADF ritual structure is totally different from what I do as a Neo-Wiccan, so her rituals are always a unique treat. 

She asked if I’d like to offer the prayers to the Star Goddess and Celestial realm, as well as to the Earth Mother.  I was very pleased to do both.  (Very fitting for a Space Witch!)  In preparation for these tasks I learned a little bit about Tailtiu (Tall-Chew), who was Lugh’s foster mother.  She is said to have died from exhaustion after clearing Ireland’s lands so people could farm.  In her honor, Lugh founded the festival, games, and holiday of Lughnasadh.

Crom Dubh

My Druid friend did some really cool things with the elements and chanting, and we learned about Crom Dubh and Lugh.  Crom Dubh protects us and preserves us, but sometimes this can perhaps be a bit overwhelming and a little-too self-preserving, protective but holding us back at times.  Lugh inspires us with his wit and skill, and with his blessings all things are possible.  Both Gods were given gifts and honor during this ritual, reminding us to protect ourselves, but not to compromise our daring and magical potentiality. 

Lugh

We also enjoyed mead and corn bread, had an anointed champion who will protect the luck of the group with them throughout the year, and we had a huge feast.  We had pazole (a ceremonial soup traditional to Mexico), salads, veggies, cheese, wine, watermelon and a special treat of caramel corn.  It was a lovely time to catch up with friends and also welcome new ones, too.  I’d never really worked with Lugh before, or Tailtiu or Crom Dubh, and it was great to learn about another pantheon, their stories, and their traditions.  (I’m sure my Celtic ancestors were very pleased, too.)

I’ve been a bit melancholy and anxious these days, vexed about the various Pagan groups I’m in, some Pagan and personal projects I’m working on, sad about not having a job, etc.  But this ritual helped me to appreciate the protective touch of Crom Dubh, the sacrifice of Tailtiu, and the skill and wit and inspiration of Lugh.

After the ritual, I went home with this song on my heart (from Sharon Knight and T. Thorn Coyle)

We are beauty, and we are darkness 

We are light, and we are change

Re-Post: "Lammas:

http://tigerchanter.blogspot.com/2011/08/blessed-lughnasadh.html

originally posted in the on-line religion magazine, Creedible, 2013 and from this blog 2014

August often seems to bring in the most desperate days of summer. The sun beats down heavily, school is right around the corner, and the pace starts to pick up again at work. Everyone tries to squeeze in one last vacation, one last trip to the mountains, one last trip to the beach, one last hotdog, one last camping trip, one last barbeque. 

In the wheel of the year, August marks the end of summer and the start of the harvest season. Fruits, herbs and grains are ready to be harvested and gathered, and summer’s bounty is almost, but not quite, overripe. Observed on the first of August, Lammas celebrates this time of sun, heat, harvest, sweat, games and celebration. 

Also known as Lughnasa (Loo-nuh-sah or Loo-nah-sah), this Gaelic holiday with Irish roots observes the funeral games the hero Lugh (Loo) hosted in honor of his foster mother, Tailtiu. Tailtiu is a grain deity who died from exhaustion after preparing Ireland for agriculture and cultivation. Her sacrifice and death mirror other Corn Mother myths throughout the world, including goddesses from ancient Greece, the American Southwest and Japan. Her gift of preparing Ireland for planting manifests itself through the harvest enjoyed during these summer and autumnal months. 

The exploits of the hero Lugh and his games held in honor of his mother are mimicked in our own summer games of baseball, swimming, soccer, and other outdoors sports. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but some Pagans feel as if nothing could be more appropriate this time of year than holding the Olympic Games, a glorious celebration of accomplishment and human potential. 

Though we’re not Olympic athletes, this is still the perfect time to go outside and do something sweaty, fun and incredible. Though winter seems to be a lifetime away, the cold will be here before we know it. For Lammas, share a hearty feast with your friends and family, partaking of seasonal fruits, vegetables and local dishes. 

Summer is a good time of year for family reunions and gatherings. Like Lugh and Tailtiu, honor your family and the accomplishments of those close you. Family legacy and memories live on when we share the stories that make us laugh and beam with pride. 

Be sure to boast and brag about yourself a little, too.  We all have a lot to be proud of because we’ve all done something heroic in one way or another, so share your accomplishments with those who you care about and who care about you. As the wheel turns and turns again, one day your exploits will be talked about, celebrated and remembered during the sweaty, fun-filled summers to come.

Run On: Lammas

http://tigerchanter.blogspot.com/2011/08/blessed-lughnasadh.html

originally posted in the on-line religion magazine, Creedible, 2013

August often seems to bring in the most desperate days of summer. The sun beats down heavily, school is right around the corner, and the pace starts to pick up again at work. Everyone tries to squeeze in one last vacation, one last trip to the mountains, one last trip to the beach, one last hotdog, one last camping trip, one last barbeque. 

In the wheel of the year, August marks the end of summer and the start of the harvest season. Fruits, herbs and grains are ready to be harvested and gathered, and summer’s bounty is almost, but not quite, overripe. Observed on the first of August, Lammas celebrates this time of sun, heat, harvest, sweat, games and celebration. 

Also known as Lughnasa (Loo-nuh-sah or Loo-nah-sah), this Gaelic holiday with Irish roots observes the funeral games the hero Lugh (Loo) hosted in honor of his foster mother, Tailtiu. Tailtiu is a grain deity who died from exhaustion after preparing Ireland for agriculture and cultivation. Her sacrifice and death mirror other Corn Mother myths throughout the world, including goddesses from ancient Greece, the American Southwest and Japan. Her gift of preparing Ireland for planting manifests itself through the harvest enjoyed during these summer and autumnal months. 

The exploits of the hero Lugh and his games held in honor of his mother are mimicked in our own summer games of baseball, swimming, soccer, and other outdoors sports. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but some Pagans feel as if nothing could be more appropriate this time of year than holding the Olympic Games, a glorious celebration of accomplishment and human potential. 

Though we’re not Olympic athletes, this is still the perfect time to go outside and do something sweaty, fun and incredible. Though winter seems to be a lifetime away, the cold will be here before we know it. For Lammas, share a hearty feast with your friends and family, partaking of seasonal fruits, vegetables and local dishes. 

Summer is a good time of year for family reunions and gatherings. Like Lugh and Tailtiu, honor your family and the accomplishments of those close you. Family legacy and memories live on when we share the stories that make us laugh and beam with pride. 

Be sure to boast and brag about yourself a little, too.  We all have a lot to be proud of because we’ve all done something heroic in one way or another, so share your accomplishments with those who you care about and who care about you. As the wheel turns and turns again, one day your exploits will be talked about, celebrated and remembered during the sweaty, fun-filled summers to come.

No One Can Stop Us Now: Gaia's Circle Lughnasadh 2014

 My eclectic ritual group, Gaia’s Circle, celebrated its 5^th Lughnasadh today!  We first gathered on Mabon of 2009, and I’m really quite proud of the beauty we have created together over the years.  The group takes turns hosting and writing, and one of the members was really excited for the chance to write what she called “a proper Celtic ritual for Lugh.”  She writes the most beautiful liturgy, and the ritual was pretty stellar.

Gaia, Berkana, and Beith

We began with a little processional to the ritual space, some light smoke cleansing with cedar, and then the lighting of the hearth fire.  My friend’s tradition is Ár n Draíocht Féin (ADF) which means “our own Druidry.”  The ADF ritual structure is totally different from what I do as a Neo-Wiccan, so her rituals are always a unique treat. 

She asked if I’d like to offer the prayers to the Star Goddess and Celestial realm, as well as to the Earth Mother.  I was very pleased to do both.  (Very fitting for a Space Witch!)  In preparation for these tasks I learned a little bit about Tailtiu (Tall-Chew), who was Lugh’s foster mother.  She is said to have died from exhaustion after clearing Ireland’s lands so people could farm.  In her honor, Lugh founded the festival, games, and holiday of Lughnasadh.

Crom Dubh

My Druid friend did some really cool things with the elements and chanting, and we learned about Crom Dubh and Lugh.  Crom Dubh protects us and preserves us, but sometimes this can perhaps be a bit overwhelming and a little-too self-preserving, protective but holding us back at times.  Lugh inspires us with his wit and skill, and with his blessings all things are possible.  Both Gods were given gifts and honor during this ritual, reminding us to protect ourselves, but not to compromise our daring and magical potentiality. 

Lugh

We also enjoyed mead and corn bread, had an anointed champion who will protect the luck of the group with them throughout the year, and we had a huge feast.  We had pazole (a ceremonial soup traditional to Mexico), salads, veggies, cheese, wine, watermelon and a special treat of caramel corn.  It was a lovely time to catch up with friends and also welcome new ones, too.  I’d never really worked with Lugh before, or Tailtiu or Crom Dubh, and it was great to learn about another pantheon, their stories, and their traditions.  (I’m sure my Celtic ancestors were very pleased, too.)

I’ve been a bit melancholy and anxious these days, vexed about the various Pagan groups I’m in, some Pagan and personal projects I’m working on, sad about not having a job, etc.  But this ritual helped me to appreciate the protective touch of Crom Dubh, the sacrifice of Tailtiu, and the skill and wit and inspiration of Lugh.

After the ritual, I went home with this song on my heart (from Sharon Knight and T. Thorn Coyle)

We are beauty, and we are darkness 

We are light, and we are change